out of my unconscious mind last week, i released information about something that i was not directly involved with and i can now only think this was out of subconscious guilt that i had within me. this time, knowing more about the situation that i play a part in is making me crazy. i feel charged throughout my body with this because i now know someone is telling a partial truth to someone else. if they knew the truth, they may even reevaluate their current situation. i do not know if the reason why this all has happened juxtaposed to my drunken confession last week is to present me with a test. i feel like knowing this is toxic to my spirit.
when people tell you things they don't want to, have you coaxed them into doing so, or is it their conscience surfacing and getting them to speak? what does being reluctant mean then? can you be outwardly reluctant to say anything, when you subconsciously want to, without eventually giving in?
am i being approached as a vehicle to break them up?
why do you want to spend time with me? why did you try to have sex with me and then get back together with your girlfriend the next day? in this situation, i'm the only one who said no. i resisted my desire to say yes because i think i knew what you were doing all a long here. you want to break up with her, but don't have the balls to do it. if i had let you fuck me, would you have felt the need to tell her? is it just because that line wasn't crossed, that this isn't a big deal?
your intentions were clear the first night and i wouldn't let you kiss me. the second night, you tried to have sex with me and i said no, but i kissed and held you all night. you kept trying and i said no. i resisted my own desire because i knew what the outcome of all of this could have been. if it was no big deal and you guys were broken up, then it shouldn't matter if she knows everything now. i don't want to be the one to tell her, but why would you let me know that she doesn't know?
i've got you caught between a rock and hard place, just like you have me. i am not going to hang out with her and act like everything is normal and cool because that makes me feel dishonest. i could tell her, but then what? is that what you want me to do? do you want to use me to help her break her heart because you've had this happen to you and you don't want to do it?
if i were easy would this have been a problem? is it just because we didn't have sex that this doesn't matter? if i had had sex with you, how would you feel? do you know what this would have done to me if you we had sex? what we did was more intimate than having sex and you know it. i am a threat to you because i can see through your exterior. you are vulnerable with me and i am vulnerable to you. you are poison in this situation because you are now making me test my own inner strength. keeping your lies and my truth inside of me is too much, but i don't want to be the one to do it because you have to. you know some of my weak spots now, do you want to exploit them or break me?
you can never be the calm to my storm because you are the storm. you say you hate change, that you're afraid of it. you need to do the work, have some respect for yourself, and change who you are, or not get personally involved with anyone else's emotions. you can't even decide where to go to dinner or what to order. why do you need me to take the lead? why would you tell me to call you if i want to hang out when you have a girlfriend? why do you have a girlfriend when you are with her under the condition that you are going to break up with her before the summer?
you are all lies. you can't be honest with anyone until you are honest with yourself. you don't want to be the type of person who can't be in a committed relationship, but she's not the one for you, that's why you don't want to be in an indefinite committed relationship with her. i think you were hooking up with her during that period. you expected me to be easy, but i'm anything but easy. you came to me for an escape. you thought i would have less integrity and take advantage of you, but i'll never sacrifice my integrity for someone who does not deserve it. i'd let you keep on lying if your lies were protecting something worth saving.
what is it about me? nothing...i could have been anyone else at that party, but i was your fate; i'm not like every other person you know. i have boundaries that i will not break for someone who has not proven that they deserve it. i will not sell myself out for temporary pleasure because there's one thing i'll never unlearn: pain can be temporary too, but it sticks around a lot longer than pleasure.
you have derailed me again. you sent me to a place i have never wanted to return to and are now telling me you want to protect me when that happens again. i cannot be true because of the information you have given me. you need to understand that this is toxic to my soul and i don't know if you really want to break me. you can't get away with lying to yourself forever. don't run from your truth. be who you are. it will hurt someone, but it will be respectable. you can't live your life without hurting anyone. you are temporarily protecting her from an even bigger fall and you know what? you've hurt me because you let me in, and you know my jam, and this situation right here is preventing me from being me.
you can't be honest with me and lie to her. if you want to tell lies, you have to be willing to lie to everyone. right now, you're lying to her and to yourself, and i'm sure there are things you've lied to me about too, but i know more about this truth than she does, and that's messed up.
the really freeing thing about being honest with yourself, is that you don't have to lie to anyone else. be real, make that change within yourself, it will be more rewarding than any temporary pleasure could ever be. experience my high and you'll be free. don't you dare make me live with this. this isn't my battle and i fought too long to be here now. you have seen my scars and know the cause of them, do you want to leave a scar on my soul? don't make ask me to deny my scars and the pain i went through to acquire them. this is bigger than your relationship with her because it effects my psyche and you know the repercussions of what that means.
do you really want my blood on your hands?
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